For the longest time, I struggled with being envious of one particular friend of mine. On the surface, her life seemed flawless. Every conversation we had highlighted the sunny, glorious side of her life. Over the course of our friendship, she always seemed a few steps ahead in all the areas of life that mattered most to me.
Her life became a mirror, reflecting my own inner critique. If she could achieve all these things, why wasn’t I at the same level?
It became all-consuming.
Intellectually, I knew it had nothing to do with her. I also understood that I wasn’t seeing the whole picture. And let me tell you—she was one of the nicest people I’d ever met. Super likable. Knowing this made me feel awful for harboring such feelings toward her. The truth was, my envy stemmed from my own disappointment in myself—a painful reminder of the gaps between where I was and where I wanted to be.
Envy represents the gap between where you are and where you want to be but currently aren’t.
Even though I recognized that her circumstances were entirely different from mine, I couldn’t shake the feeling. She had been handed certain opportunities that I hadn’t. Her life was a painful spotlight on my shame and feelings of lack.
Shifting Perspectives
The turning point came when I noticed cracks in the perfect facade. On a few rare occasions, her communication slipped, revealing glimpses of vulnerability. It dawned on me that her life wasn’t as flawless as it seemed. She, too, had struggles and insecurities, just like anyone else.
I began to understand that her life wasn’t meant to be a benchmark for mine. Our journeys were entirely unique, shaped by different starting points and circumstances. I realized that my envy was an invitation to love myself more and embrace my timeline for what it truly was, not what I wished it had been.
Recognizing Humanity
It also became clear that our friendship felt unbalanced. Something about her demeanor lacked authenticity. Perhaps she wanted to be liked by me or maintain an image of perfection. Whatever the reason, this realization helped me see her humanity more clearly. She wasn’t perfect. She was just as human as I was, navigating her own challenges.
The envy began to dissipate. I no longer wanted her life because I recognized it wasn’t my path. I started appreciating my own strengths, accomplishments, and the richness of my journey. I saw that there were aspects of my life that others might envy, though I was unaware of them. When all was said and done, I’d rather have my own experiences, personality, and growth trajectory than trade places with anyone else.
Lessons Learned
Envy often highlights areas where we need to show ourselves more compassion. It’s a signal pointing toward our unmet desires and aspirations. Instead of letting envy consume us, we can use it as a tool for self-reflection and growth.
Reflective Questions to Overcome Envy
If you’re grappling with envy, here are some questions to help you process and move through it:
- What is your envy triggering in you?
Reflect on the feelings and thoughts that arise. Are they tied to unmet desires, insecurities, or a sense of lack? - What do you truly aspire to?
Use your envy to uncover what you genuinely want. For instance, if you’re envious of a friend’s promotion, ask yourself:- What about this promotion resonates with me?
- Do I want recognition for my efforts, financial stability, or new challenges?
- Reframe the narrative.
Take the focus off the other person and center it on yourself. Instead of saying, “I wish I had her life,” try: “I’d like to achieve [specific goal].” - What can you do to fulfill your wishes?
Identify actionable steps you can take to move closer to your goals. - What’s within your control, and what’s not?
Accept the aspects of life you can’t change and focus on what you can. Let go of the rest.
Practical Steps to Release Envy
- Practice Gratitude
Make a daily list of things you’re grateful for. This shifts your focus from lack to abundance. - Celebrate Small Wins
Acknowledge your achievements, no matter how small. Each step forward matters. - Limit Comparisons
Remember that social media and surface-level interactions rarely show the full picture. Avoid using others as a yardstick for your own success. - Embrace Your Unique Journey
Remind yourself that your path is one-of-a-kind. The challenges and triumphs you face are part of what makes your life uniquely yours. - Send Love to Those You Envy
Wishing others well can be a powerful antidote to envy. It helps shift your energy from resentment to positivity.
Final Thoughts
Envy doesn’t have to be a negative force in your life. With the right mindset, it can become a tool for growth and self-awareness. By addressing the underlying feelings and focusing on your aspirations, you can transform envy into motivation to create a life you love.
The next time envy arises, use it as a prompt to explore your own desires and take steps toward fulfilling them. You’re not in competition with anyone else; you’re on your own unique path. Embrace it fully, and let envy be the catalyst that propels you forward.
