I had already been single for several years when I finally was able to identify my own fear of never finding love. I was attending a self development workshop for something else, when I had my moment of truth. My subconscious mind was whispering with a solid conviction, “…but not me”.
Take one second to reflect on those three words. Every time I saw a couple together, every time I noticed a wedding ring on someone´s hand, every time I went on a date, these words were buried deep within my own psyche. I wasn´t even aware of them. And yet they had the last say. And the upmost power over my emotions, my thoughts and my actions. And ultimately, they created a fear so deeply rooted it was running my life.
At this very workshop, I was standing face to face with my own fear and the words that was causing it. Luckily I was also being given the tools to turn it around. And I was dedicated to change it because it was ruining my life at the time.
So, how did I go about doing it? I´ll give you the short story:
- I connected with my fear, emotionally. This allowed me to dive straight into the first time I ever felt that fear.
- I viewed the situation from a distance. And really saw what was happening. I was around six or seven years old, sitting on my dad´s lap. We were both sitting in a rocking chair. I told him that I wanted to marry him when I grew up (as any small girl, I thought this was the normal thing to want!). Whereas he responded, “that won´t work, I am already married to Mommy.”
- The words “…but not me” was formed and anchored deep within my own psyche and body. I felt it as a rejection from someone I deeply loved.
- In order to change my limiting belief, I identified what my six year old self would had needed at the time. She would have needed a “yes, what a great idea!” response instead. Or at least to feel loved in that moment without the rejection. At some point I´d either forget about my wish or grow old enough to understand why I´d never marry him. My younger self needed to feel loved during that time.
- Further, I worked on activating the love I needed, within. That in itself wasn´t easy. But when I was able to get hold of it, I connected with it. Then, I made the emotion as strong as I possibly could. From that state, I worked on keeping the strong emotion while thinking back at the first scenario with my father. I gave my younger self the love she needed and deserved. I witnessed how it changed the scenario. How my dad acted differently, saying “I love you” and smiling. How I´d feel differently had he just used those words instead. I would have felt loved and seen and respected, deserving of love and marriage. And, what new and empowering belief I´d have about myself and my love life. I´d feel deserving of love. “I am loved and deserve to be loved”.
- Then, while keeping the emotion of love activated, I would look forward to the next time in my life where I´d feel “…but not me”. And I´d use my activated love once again to change the narrative of the scenario. And move forward to the next scenario. And the next.
- I´d also look for the situations in my life that confirmed my newfound belief of “I am love and deserve to be loved”. Not only in romantic settings but also through other interactions and experiences. I´d see how that belief would have changed my own thoughts and actions, my own relationship with myself, visions for the future, how I´d trust love to come into my life. Because I already had it within myself. And once it is found within it can never be taken away.
- At last, I visualized future scenarios which I knew would normally trigger my limiting belief. all this while feeling that strong emotion of being loved. I´d see how the situation could turn out in a positive way when I truly believed that I was deserving of love.
- And after that, I kept practicing the emotion and belief in my daily life. It allowed me to feel good, and to look for love in general. Not necessarily a love relationship (although I wanted that and manifested it as well), but to have life offer me confirmations that love is found all around. Whenever I saw a couple holding hands, or someone´s wedding ring, my LOVE emotion got activated and I felt happy for them. Also knowing that, I too deserve love.
During my 20s, when I was feeling and believing deep down that “…but not me” it trickled into my dating life, obviously. I went on countless dates. But as I was not connected to my own self love, most of the dates never went past that first date. Mostly because I didn´t feel it. Looking back, I´m thinking, no wonder…
Once I stopped looking, the father of my child showed up. And we spent seven years together, even having two children together, before he ended our relationship. Now once again I am navigating the single life. But this time around the situation is very different. I am a mother, I´m in my late 30s, and I am connected to a whole new level of self love. Even though I would absolutely love to get married to a soulmate one day, there are other things that are calling my attention and priority.
I hope you found this post helpful. Please comment your take away and what limiting belief you carry?
